Praying to keep calm

stefanipaige: 'Cause if you're constantly putting yourself down while you're trying to lose weight and like beating yourself up over indulging on sweets and stuff, you could end up going down a really scary road or even develop some bad habits like over restricting. Just make sure you keep your mind just as healthy as your body (which obviously you're in great shape because you cheer and run and are all around fierce.)

thank you ! i need to work on that. i dont want to be skinny i want to be healthy i just have to relax and stop thinking everything i do is bad. thankyouthankyou

I’m taking deep breaths. I’ll probably pop one of my medication pills in since i have neglected them and i am suppose to take 3 a day. 

Tonight i was going to go to tommy doyels again since cherry wanted to go and mary liked it last week so she wanted to go as well. Despite the minor set backs that happened today in the process of going out with the girls i just did not want to go. I thought possibly getting drunk would just get me out of this funk but no. When i came home today from shopping i told my mom about the summer class i had to pay for by tomorrow. of course she was pissed, i mean im about to be 20 years old and im still coming to her the day before something is due to let her know about it. it was hard to watch my mom just sit there and complain about all her bills in a calm voice. it hurt more. 

my mother is a strong woman. she finds a way to make everything better. But when i think about the struggle she has to go through alone its like its unfair because i do have a father. I went to a teen empowerment celebration yesterday. i was so fortunate, if you are not a TE worker its $100 a ticket to be at the celebration but me and caitlin got tickets for free. there was a performance about of course the typical ..missing a father. Now my dad was not around on and off for a few years because he was in jail and not allowed at my house when he was out. I seen the physical and emotional abuse right in front of my eyes. so when im this age, i start to see how those past events affect my life now. and i am NOT the person who goes on complaining about not having a dad. i cant. but i see it

i guess i cant explain why i started randomly balling my eyes out. I was trying on all these clothes my mom bought for me for vacation. and it jjust didnt look right so i started crying. I dont think people understand the bipolar issue i have with my body. here i am crying because “im big” and here my mom is speechless and hurt in her eyes when she sees me crying. see my mom never had to go through a weight issue when she was young. although now she has bit of some weight on her back when she was my age she was skinny as a button. it was after she had me that she went down hill lol

but anyways i cried because i have always been the big girl, every night i tell myself im going to wake up and go running but never do. I tell myself i’ll go to the gym and find an excuse not to go. I keep fuckin my own self up. It hurts to be the big girl, it hurts knowing that clothes dont fit me like they use to. But i dont need sympathy. i know im fat, im not getting surgery when im older, im not starving myself, and im not giving up. I will lose this weight. 

im stressed again who would have though. 

what do you do when someone isnt being treat fairly? when i cheered, since day one i had stood up for every single one of my teammates. I did all that i could especially when i was captain. senior year i was recognized for being the one who always spoke up for the teammates. im proud of that. but it is terrifying. Going up against someone with more power than you is kind of scary, and sticking up for someone else can kind of be scary too.

but i dont know if i could hold my tongue for much longer. I feel as if someone at work is getting treated much different than everyone else. like a manager hates him. He doesnt like to speak up so its hard for me to ignore it because i know he cares a lot. and its pretty clear that hes treated different since everyone can see it and almost everyone has said something about it.

but i just dont think i can hold my tongue. hey i get annoyed too, sometimes if someones ugly i get mad at them [im being dumb, and rude] BUT in a work place? as a high position? i dont care what shape of form kind of company it is, you treat you employees with respect! and if you are mistreated by a manager YOU SAY SOMETHING.

i cant speak for anyone, i cant take their pain and make it mine but one thing about me is i fight for the ones i love and i fight until i win always. we are young employees doing our best, if a manager is disrespecting you, calling you “slow, retarded” and making rude remarks when you ask a simple question something needs to change. for goodness sake hes fuckin new too! 

i just cant. i think i might say something.